There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i will never coherently bang her
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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