i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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