Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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