Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
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