Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
