One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
