6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
