just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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