i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
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