She is in my trunk
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
