Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I accidentally burped into my bong.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
i used baking grease as lip gloss
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
