Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
