I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Randomize
