so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
