I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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