I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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