Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
