The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
The best revenge is premature balding
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
