Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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