While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
