Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
