Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
