i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
