i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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