i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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