i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I want to be your penis for a week.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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