I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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