I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
