Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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