He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
