it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
