There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
