A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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