Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
