Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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