Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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