I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
