Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
