hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize