I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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