Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
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