This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I need moral support for this bender
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
