My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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