I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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