in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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