I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
