he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize