I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
