So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
