woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
