ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
