Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
