She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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