on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I could fuck to npr.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
