your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Randomize
