I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
