why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
