I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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