if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize