Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
