He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
