i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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