Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
