Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
