Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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