Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
