I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
